Heather Who?

Why do I keep feeling this? This deep gnawing inside of me... like something is devouring me from the inside out. Like my insides are clenched so tight it's hard to breathe.

I think old Heather is putting up a fight. She doesn't want to leave. She likes rearing her head and making the world know think that she rules. She drowns herself, holding her head under the water, struggling until finally she breaks the water, gasping for breath. It's unsightly. She delights in pity parties and tearing others down. She is overcome with jealousy and pride. She has an iron grip on anger and contempt. She relates to others in a fake way. A way that they won't see the anger, the contempt, the jealousy, the pride. She is ugly. And she is not me.

Let me introduce you to new Heather. New Heather isn't "nice." Because Jesus didn't die to make her nice. Jesus died to forgive her and free her from her old self. He died so that she could live. So that she could be the person God created her to be and live that out how he wants her to live it out. So new Heather doesn't have to live under the power of old Heather anymore. She gets to live in God's power. She gets to see the truth and speak it to others in love. She gets to see her anger, step back, and see the core lies underneath it all. She gets to live in her God-created identity, not her self-created identity. She gets to live without steryotypes. She gets to live in expectancy, rather than expectation.

But DANG, has old Heather been putting up a fight this week. It's been physically painful. Lots of short breaths and fake smiles to those who don't know me and even fake ones to those who do when old Heather gets the best of me. It's been a lumpy throated week with lots of truth-telling. Over and over again in my head, "Heather, this isn't you anymore. You don't have to respond like that. You don't have to take that to heart. You know who you are. You know who God created you to be."

And the tears finally come. And with them more healing. ALWAYS more healing. God is leading my healing journey. GOD is leading my healing journey.