Best & Worst [Marriage Edition]

So a little over a year ago I wrote this post titled Best and Worst. It was based off this quote—"I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both," and was all about how we are called to love people in view of their flaws and shortcomings.

I wrote that post after being in my first real adult relationship for exactly six weeks and one day. And I didn't even know the half of it.

Because this first real adult relationship continued on for a year and 3 months to where I stand today and it has changed me.

When I wrote that post a couple months of marriage, 5 1/2 months of engagement, and 8 months of dating ago, the hubs really didn't know my best and worst, and I didn't know his. We were brand new to this whole relationship thing, plus we were long distance and had probably barely even spent much time together as a couple.

But I still loved this picture, this idea, of being loved and chosen by someone who knows your best and your worst. I mean, who wouldn't love that? Besides, of course, that it's terrifying to think of someone knowing you that well.



I loved it, but I didn't really know it. And although today I know it so much better than I did on that warm day in August, I know that I still don't even know the half of it. Because yeah, I've seen more of his best and worst, and you better believe he's seen more of mine (heavier on the worst), but I'm certain we still haven't seen it all. I'm certain that over the next weeks, months, and years more bests and worsts will come out, and ultimately, more bests and worsts will be born. Because this relationship, it's changing us.

So yes, I understand more deeply what it means to be known and loved. And it's a beautiful, sweet thing. It's a thing that wells up gratefulness in me. It leads me to worship my Savior who does it completely and perfectly and who also has gifted me with an imperfect but wonderful earthly expression of this knowing and loving.

But I also know that my understanding is so minuscule, so minute, compared to the grand scheme of it all. Because every day that I am on this earth my husband gets to see a little bit more of my best and worst, and he gets to continue to choose me, to choose both. And I get to do the same with him and we get to both experience this knowing and loving from the One who does it wholly and without reserve, Jesus.

And it's a really good thing that we have a perfect example to follow. Because this knowing and loving thing, it's hard. But it's so, so worth it.

//photos via Availeth Photography

How Being on EDGE is a Lot Like Being in a Relationship

So in case you didn't know, I am currently in FLORIDA headed into my last day of what has been a week-long conference for my job with The Navigators. How blessed I feel to be spending time in a warm and beautiful place with hundreds of others who are doing the same work on campuses all over the nation! It has been an encouraging and challenging week as I've heard speakers, attended workshops, and caught up with friends from Texas, Alabama, Missouri, Illinois, and all over the US!

As we were given some time to reflect on the things we had learned from our year and a half on EDGE Corps so far, I had one burning thought- being on EDGE is a lot like being in a relationship. Let me break it down for you.

My time spent on staff with The Navigators has been incredibly refining.

Whew! If there's one thing I've learned on EDGE it's that I am a sinner and I NEED Jesus. Every. Stinkin'. Day. Doing full-time ministry has exposed my selfishness, my desire for control, and just how much I need God's grace. I have seen both my pride and my insecurities clearer this past year and a half than ever before. I have been more aware of my weaknesses and shortcomings. But I have also seen clearer how much God loves me and wants to take me further than I am right now. 

I have learned that it's not about me.

Like I said- full-time ministry has exposed my selfishness. It has exposed my desire to serve self. To be comfortable and have it easy. But it's not about me. Life isn't about me. It's not about people loving me and serving me and being as comfortable as I can. It's all about loving Jesus, and loving people. If I'm not doing either, then any of the work I do is just a noisy gong. As a follower of Jesus I am called to lay down my life for others, as Jesus did for me. And I think I have realized that calling even more now that I am vocationally doing ministry.

I have been forced to trust and depend on the Lord more than ever in the past.

Again. Jesus. I need Him. Being on EDGE has presented circumstances that have grown my trust in God immensely. [Two words- support. raising.] I have had to depend on Him in a very real way for my livelihood. I have had to rely on His power to make any of the work I do be productive for His Kingdom. I have had to trust that He would work in students' hearts even when things seemed to be at a standstill. I have seen God come through for me in huge ways and my dependence on Him has deepened.

These lessons I've learned while on EDGE seem eerily similar to lessons learned in relationships. Maybe that's just life. Maybe God chooses to refine us and teach us and humble us through the circumstances we find ourselves in. Maybe He uses whatever means He wants to reveal Himself to us. And those means are happy and hard and joy-filled and uncertain and wonderful and messy all at the same time.