Guest Post: On Desires

Editor's Note: Today's guest post is brought to you by none other than my hubby... Loverboy! :) Normally in these intros I write about how I know the guest writer, but I think you can all guess as to how I know Brian. What I will say is that I am incredibly proud of him for openly sharing his story and being vulnerable about his struggles, lessons learned, and victories. It's been a blessing to see God work in his life these past few years and I can't wait to see how He uses our stories in the years to come! God has been gracious to us.

On Desires

Many of you on this blog know me as Loverboy. Others know me as Bri guy, Dougie, B Dougie, B man, Douglas, Brian, or even Boo. I am an engineer, and while my schooling qualifies me to talk about structural integrity or aerodynamics, I have no training that qualifies me to talk about what I am about to share. I do, however, speak from life experiences and some poor choices I have made, from choices that I simultaneously did and didn’t want to make. What many of you may not know is that for a time, beginning in college, I was looking at porn. This is becoming more and more common so you may not be that shocked by this confession, but what you might not know is that I didn’t want to to view porn… but at the same time I really wanted to view porn.

You see, that is the funny things about desires: you don’t just have one, and they are often not very clear. This was a hard time for me because I knew viewing porn was not the Lord’s best for me—I knew that viewing porn was displeasing to God, that it was addictive, that it could ultimately hurt future intimacy with the wife I hoped I would someday have, and that it would hurt me and those around me.

So I knew that it was harmful to be viewing porn and I didn’t want to displease God, but at the same time, I found pleasure in what I was looking at. I tried really hard for awhile to stop, but I was hooked. It seemed like a drug that I couldn’t get away from. It took me awhile to realize that trying harder was not the solution; that I couldn’t get free on my own. I needed divine intervention.

The thing is, divine intervention was ready and waiting for me to call on Him, but my pride was keeping me from accepting it. So finally by the grace of God, I asked for His help. It didn’t all change right away. It was a journey, and as I look back on that journey, I see what God was doing. Here are some thoughts and lessons that God has since shown me on what he was doing.

• God never commands us to change our desires. That doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care what we desire. It just means that he commands us to act a certain way whether we desire to or not. This is important when your desires pull you different ways. While I was viewing porn, I wanted to follow God’s commands but I also wanted to look at porn. I even wanted to want to not look at porn. This is often the first step to breaking free from the addition of porn: want to want the right thing. Now I’m not saying it is easy to act contrary to your desires, but God does call us to act contrary to our desires if our desires are not in line with His will and way.
• That doesn’t mean he doesn’t care what we desire, but that he realizes that we cannot just change what we desire. God wants us to desire what is good, pure and holy.
• God can change your desires. He has with mine! It is not a quick process and I cannot say that I never desire to view porn but I have come to realize by God’s work in my life that the pleasure of living by God’s design for my life is far better than anything I could want or desire. My desires have been changing to what God desires for me and away from the empty pleasures I used to want for myself.
• The first step is to let God work. You can’t be free from any sin or change your desires on your own. God is waiting for you to ask him to help. Not only has He been waiting, He actively has been seeking you out, giving you opportunities to let Him work. You have to humble yourself and choose to let Him work.
• All this doesn’t mean that we’re off the hook when it comes to desires. Remember a couple bullet points back when I said we can’t just change our desires? I sorta mislead you. I believe that we can change our desires but it is not nearly as simple as just changing them. You see, our choices affect our desires. It molds them. When we choose to do something that we enjoy, we enjoy it all the more! Likewise, when we choose to sin, our desires become tainted. Our sinful nature enjoys it and we desire it more. The reason I desired to view porn is at least partly because I had made choices to lust after woman that I had walked by and I took the good desire that God has placed in me for companionship and beauty, which was already tainted by a sinful nature, and I choose to act sinfully and lust.

I was recently convicted that when I desire something sinful, to confess it to God. Not because I had just acted sinfully, but because my past sinful acts made me to desire something sinful, because desiring what is sinful is not how God designed me to be. But I know that he won’t leave me with these sinful desires. He is changing me everyday. The desire won’t be gone on this side of heaven but I know one day, I will be free from them all.

This is a crazy idea in the culture we live in which tells people to do whatever they want! Our culture says that if a man desires to be intimate with another man, then that must be how God made them and they should do it or if a man desires to be intimate with hundreds of women, then he should do it because that is how God made him.

But the Lord says that there is a way which he has designed us to be. God didn’t design me to find pleasure in porn and lust after women, I made myself that way from a starting point of the sin nature I have from the first sin. We all have turned away from God’s good design and have been following our desires ever since. All the while, He has been patiently waiting to work in us to give us the power to choose what is right, to give us the desire to do what is right and this way, God’s way leads to life.

Two Years Ago Today [On Taking Risks]

Two years ago today, a very nervous, very sweaty Loverboy asked me to go steady with him (well, those might not have been his exact words, but I'm allowed a bit of creative license, right?).

I remember feeling nervous, and a little sweaty myself (it WAS in the middle of July), and very unsure about this whole getting serious thing. But I also remember that I had just recently had a talk with a friend that if Brian would want to make our friendship more of a "relationship," that even if I wasn't sure, I would still say yes, just to give it a chance. I would say yes to see where it went, because I sure didn't want to regret saying no later and never knowing what could have been.

//via

And I can say that 8 1/2 months of dating, 5 1/2 months of engagement, and 10 months of marriage later, I am SO glad that I said yes! I am so glad that I went out on a ledge and jumped, even when I wasn't 100% sure. I'm so glad that I tried something that was scary and unknown. I'm so glad that I took a risk.

Because yes, we could have totally not worked out, and that could have been heartbreaking. We could have awkwardly broken up two weeks later and had to go through the whole tell your friends and answer uncomfortable questions phase. We could have, but we didn't. And we would have never known if Loverboy hadn't taken the risk to ask, and if I hadn't taken the risk to say yes.

Now you may get the idea that this post is all about how you should go ask that girl out, or always say yes to some relationship proposal. But that is NOT the point of this post. (Phew!) The point is this—risks are so worth it. Because in the end, whether things end up like you hoped they would or not, you have learned something. You have relied on God as the only one who knows how this whole thing was going to end up, and your faith will be strengthened because of it.

//via

So what risk can you take today? This week? This year? What is something that is a little outside of your comfort zone, that you aren't 100% sure about, that could end up awfully—but could also end of wonderfully—that you could do?

"To risk is to willingly place your life in the hand of an unseen God and an unknown future, then to watch him come through. He starts to get real when you live like that." —Jennie Allen's professor, from her book Anything.

So go out there and take a risk today. Who knows, it may lead you to a spouse who is altogether more than you dreamed of. ;)

Our #keepthelovealive Retreat & How to Plan Your Own

Last weekend Loverboy and I went on a #keepthelovealive Retreat. I named them this because before we were even married we were told to take time alone every few months to just get away and be intentional. So we're keeping the love alive, yes?

This time around we hit up Airbnb (which is awesome and I'm totally sold on and can't wait to use again!) and found a secluded cabin on Bass Lake in New Richmond, WI. It was super beautiful and the perfect little spot for a quick getaway. We left Friday morning and came back Saturday afternoon, so it was just over 24 hours. 

We spent a lot of time reading, praying, and talking, either cuddled up on the cozy couches, enjoying the view from the deck, or walking through the country neighborhood or near the lake. We enjoyed the hot tub and grill, and explored an antique shop in Hudson before our dinner at a local Caribbean restaurant. 

All-in-all, it was wonderful, and I highly recommend doing something similar if you are married. Get away for 24 hours or a long weekend and spend some extended intentional time with your spouse. But you might be wondering just exactly how to go about this, or what we did during our time. Well then, read on!

{ain't he handsome??

Here are just a few tips for having your very own #keepthelovealive retreat ...

1. Have a plan

It was super helpful for us to set aside some time before the weekend and plan out things we wanted to do, read, talk about, pray for, etc. We brought along a couple marriage books and read and talked though some of them, and we had time set aside for time with the Lord alone, and time together. We read through and discussed this ebook, 5 Simple Marriage Tools. We also brought a couple games and planned to watch a movie. 

2. Get on the same page

It's important that as you plan this retreat that you and your spouse are on the same page with your priorities and expectations for the time. Sit down and write down or talk about what each of you are hoping to gain from the retreat. If one of you is looking forward to relaxing and laying around all day while the other can't wait to go hiking and do a bunch of activities, it's going to be a tough realization once the time comes.

3. Keep it affordable... or don't!

You can totally make a retreat affordable! We did so by using Airbnb and keeping it to one night. Other than the expense of where we stayed, we just had to pay for a dinner out and that was it. Easy, peasey. But, if you have the funds, and you want to, why not splurge and spoil your spouse a bit? Just make sure it's in the budget! ;)

I really do hope that you go on your very own #keepthelovealive retreat. And it can totally be themed too! This retreat we focused on our marriage (duh), but we also focused on justice and human trafficking, both in our praying and time with the Lord, and with our conversation and planning with each other. It's cool to see how the Spirit leads when you let Him.

P.S. Do you follow me on instagram? If not, first of all, I'm sorry for your loss. Secondly, you should! All these photos are from my instagram, so just imagine! You could have followed along for all the #keepthelovealive goodness in real time. Next time, friend. Next time.

6 Months

Six wonderful beautiful months with Loverboy today. Time to break out the wedding cake from the freezer! [Just say NO to freezer-burned year-old cake!] This month of marriage has been a whirlwind! It started out with a bit of a trial in missing a dear friend's wedding due to a dead car, but has been filled with SO many good things—a marriage retreat, both our birthdays, family in town, lots of fun dates, and a Pentatonix Concert! We've definitely grown in our knowledge of each other this month, and have gotten sweet glimpses of the Lord working as well. 

So to celebrate these 6 months of marriage, I want to share a couple of my favorite quotes on marriage by Tim Keller, from his book The Meaning of Marriage.

“The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel, which is painful and wonderful at once. The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. This is the only kind of relationship that will really transform us.”

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.”

“Within this Christian vision of marriage, here's what it means to fall in love. It is to look at another person and get a glimpse of what God is creating, and to say, "I see who God is making you, and it excites me! I want to be part of that. I want to partner with you and God in the journey you are taking to his throne. And when we get there, I will look at your magnificence and say, 'I always knew you could be like this. I got glimpses of it on earth, but now look at you!” 

Four Months

After three months of doing these monthly marriage posts, I have to say, they've accidentally become somewhat of a tradition and something that I look forward to every month. Taking a moment to look back on the previous 30 days to remember and be grateful. It's kinda nice.

So this fourth month of marriage started out with a night's stay at a B&B in Stillwater, MN. Which was sooooo wonderful and came at the perfect time right as Loverboy and I were both feeling a lot of job stress. We have been strongly encouraged by multiple different people to take a little getaway 2–4 times a year... just some time for the two of us to be intentional, reconnect, get away from all the hubbub of life, and work on our marriage.

This first trip was pretty chill and we didn't have a ton of super intense marriage building time, but just to get away and have fun together was so great. We stayed at the Ann Bean Mansion, dined at Marx Fusion Bistro, and got a private tour at the Warden's House Museum. We highly recommend all of those experiences! Also, I am officially dubbing these getaways as #keepthelovealive weekends. Just because hashtags are #ridiculous, but I still #lovethem.

Ann Bean Mansion

Marx Fusion Bistro

Warden's House Museum Tour

Other highlights included a small group Christmas party, finally getting my name put on our Wells Fargo account, tons of Christmas celebrations, a fancy dinner with friends, lots of good family time (especially with some sibs), the beginning of what I hope to be a decluttering trend for the year, an epic date night at Dave & Busters, trivia with the neighbor, and quite a few new recipes.

This was a pretty sweet month of lots of time together, learning how to spend lots of time together without getting on each other's nerves (ha!), dreaming of the future and asking God how he wants to use us, and learning more about communication and openness. All good things. Not all easy, but definitely good. :)

I love you hubs and am so grateful for another month together. You've got my heart, boi.

Best & Worst [Marriage Edition]

So a little over a year ago I wrote this post titled Best and Worst. It was based off this quote—"I have seen the best of you, and the worst of you, and I choose both," and was all about how we are called to love people in view of their flaws and shortcomings.

I wrote that post after being in my first real adult relationship for exactly six weeks and one day. And I didn't even know the half of it.

Because this first real adult relationship continued on for a year and 3 months to where I stand today and it has changed me.

When I wrote that post a couple months of marriage, 5 1/2 months of engagement, and 8 months of dating ago, the hubs really didn't know my best and worst, and I didn't know his. We were brand new to this whole relationship thing, plus we were long distance and had probably barely even spent much time together as a couple.

But I still loved this picture, this idea, of being loved and chosen by someone who knows your best and your worst. I mean, who wouldn't love that? Besides, of course, that it's terrifying to think of someone knowing you that well.



I loved it, but I didn't really know it. And although today I know it so much better than I did on that warm day in August, I know that I still don't even know the half of it. Because yeah, I've seen more of his best and worst, and you better believe he's seen more of mine (heavier on the worst), but I'm certain we still haven't seen it all. I'm certain that over the next weeks, months, and years more bests and worsts will come out, and ultimately, more bests and worsts will be born. Because this relationship, it's changing us.

So yes, I understand more deeply what it means to be known and loved. And it's a beautiful, sweet thing. It's a thing that wells up gratefulness in me. It leads me to worship my Savior who does it completely and perfectly and who also has gifted me with an imperfect but wonderful earthly expression of this knowing and loving.

But I also know that my understanding is so minuscule, so minute, compared to the grand scheme of it all. Because every day that I am on this earth my husband gets to see a little bit more of my best and worst, and he gets to continue to choose me, to choose both. And I get to do the same with him and we get to both experience this knowing and loving from the One who does it wholly and without reserve, Jesus.

And it's a really good thing that we have a perfect example to follow. Because this knowing and loving thing, it's hard. But it's so, so worth it.

//photos via Availeth Photography

Grateful [Two Months]

It's November! [Yeah, Heather, we know... it has been for the last two weeks...] Which means that all things social media are oozing with posts and photos about what people are thankful for. So I thought today that I would jump on the bandwagon.

Today I am oh so very thankful for another month of life as the wife of Loverboy. I can't believe today marks two months of marriage for us, but as I reflect on the last month [you can read about our first month here], I can't help but be grateful.

We've hosted our small group for pumpkin carving, gone on the best double date ever (Nickelodeon Universe, anyone??), gone through the membership process for church, traveled to Nebraska for an early Thanksgiving, hung out with our neighbors, spent time with family, visited Eau Claire and spent a roaring time with a precious family, had people over for meals, and gone on multiple dates. Life is so full of so many good things.

But life isn't all daisies and butterflies. This last month has also included difficult conversations, annoying paperwork and phone calls in attempts to make our two lives one, disagreements, and just general learning to live together as husband and wife.

And through it all God has been so good. Through the sweet times and the hard times this month, God has been faithful in giving us grace for each other and teaching us how to love. One thing I know, the sweet times would not be so sweet and the hard times would be far harder without the loving grace of God to guide us and the stellar example of Jesus that we get to look to.

So although today I am oh so very thankful for this union with this boy, I am more thankful for the One who brought us together, wrote our story, and sustains us everyday. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Also, we're getting super good at taking selfies.

Love & Hate

I don't really want to write this post, because I'm not really ready to live it out just yet... but I thought someone else besides me would maybe need a good kick in the pants today.

This morning I stumbled upon this article from Desiring God by Francis Chan, Marriage on the Edge of Eternity. I started reading it, began to feel convicted, and willed my eyes to keep reading, my brain to keep processing. [And yes, you have to read it too, if you want any of what follows to make an iota of sense. Married or not, it applies to all of life and is definitely worth a read.]

So, after reading this pants-kicking article, I did what I usually do in these cases and e-mailed it on to the hubs. [He says he appreciates this, which I just want to bless his soul for, because sharing information is one of my love languages I think.] So I sent him the link along with the following comment...

I both love and hate this... love because I know it's true and what we should be aiming for, hate because it means it's gonna be hard and we have to give up stuff I want. Love because it's the highest calling we could ever have, hate because I just don't feel like I'm at the point of really wanting it yet. Love because I know it will be more fulfilling than anything else in life, hate because it doesn't seem fulfilling right now. Love because it means obeying Jesus, hate because it means denying my flesh. Ugh.

And he replied, in quick, Loverboy fashion...

Preach it!  It's never easy to do what God wants us to do. It's easiest to be selfish. It's hard to obey and enter the battle. Let's pray for Christ to change our desires. Let's pray for boldness and courage to join the battle. Thanks for the article! I love you babe!

And then I melted inside a little bit because that's the best response ever. Of course he points us to prayer (like he does all. the. time. Seriously, if ever one of us suggests we go to God in prayer for an issue, it is like 95% of the time him. Thanks, God, for this man who likes to come to you, and drag take me along with him).

So all that to say, I both love and hate the idea of being in a war. But I guess in the long run, it doesn't really matter, since reality is that we are in one. My spirit's desires are so different than my fleshly ones, and really that's a war in itself—to have the spirit win out. But so often I follow my fleshly desires and I give in to that idea that Chan puts so perfectly—"You have contractors installing better windows so you can tune out all of the noise."

I pray that I don't live my life like that—ignoring the noise of the battle outside my windows. I want to engage in the battle, but it's never as simple as that, because like I said, I both love and hate this idea. Oh Jesus, please change my desires.

Let me end this with the ending of Chan's article (because, let's be honest, it's far better than anything I could leave you with).

"Being in war together may be what keeps us from being at war with each other. Rather than neglecting the battle to work on your marriage, maybe the best thing for your marriage is to enter the battlefield together."

//photos via Availeth Photography