What Could Be & What Is

I've been thinking a lot lately about how selfish I am [thanks a great deal in part to a hard, but loving conversation with a dear lady in my life this last week]. And I've been thinking about how that's not what I want to be, but it feels so much like who I am. It feels like a part of me, something that's ingrained deep down. It doesn't feel like something I can just turn off, or decide one day to not be.

And I think we all have that, to some extent, something that feels like it's who we are, like it defines us, although it's the last thing we want to be. We grow used to it and so we don't notice it for awhile. We live in it and it's comfy. But then we're confronted with it. Whether it be in a conversation, an interaction, a nudge from the Holy Spirit, or just some good ol' self-reflection.

It comes like a train. It takes our breath away how sinful we are. How utterly unlike Jesus. We realize maybe we don't have things together as much as we had hoped. We cry. We get mad, maybe even defensive. We are disappointed in ourselves. We feel hopeless. But then we grow used to it again. We allow that thing that feels so much like who we are to define us again, to be comfortable.

But how I pray that I don't grow used to it this time. How I pray that I wage war on this sin that encompasses my relationships, my thoughts, and at times, it feels like my very being.

How inadequate and underprepared I feel to be marrying a man that is so very unselfish, so serving, so kind. But how very loving of God that he paired us together for the rest of our lives so that I can learn. So that I can be hit with the train that is my selfishness time and time again and not grow used to it and let it be. So that I can rip it from my life and then rip it again the next week when I see it start to inch in again.

And I know that the truth is that my selfishness, my sin—it does not define me. I know that Jesus defines me. He says I am a saint, now that I am in Him. And His voice should be the loudest when it comes to who I am. But it doesn't make the reality of my sin any less painful, any less hard.

I really am convinced that one of the most difficult things in a Christian's life is seeing what they could be and then facing their current reality. Knowing the life that Jesus calls them to live and then seeing how absolutely short they fall of that. The great chasm between what could be and what is. But it's a really good thing that, as C.S. Lewis says, "The Christian does not think God will love us because we are good, but that God will make us good because He loves us.” God, please make me good. 

//via

Weekend Wrap-Up

1  //  2  //  3  //  4  //  5  //  6  //  7  //  8

Here's a little collection of some things I've been diggin' lately.

Gold jewelry has been on my radar lately... and I always love multiple rings on one hand. 

Bright florals are inspiring to me, especially these super gorge tulips.

The ballet flats with ankle straps are adorable... feminine but not over-the-top since they're black.

Open shelving in a kitchen just about makes me swoon.

The outdoor scenery is getting me pumped for a weekend up north with the fam that's coming up soon.
I am always a fan of vintage tins... and candles. 

C.S. Lewis pretty much always knows what's what. 

The bright tribal patterns on the pillows make me want to turn on some Shakira and dance.

P.S. We tried the Pepperoni Pizza rolls this week that I mentioned wanting to try in this post (recipe #6) and they were heavenly. Seriously, almost bad how good they were since we gorged ourselves and got stomach aches. We will be having them again, but maybe next time with a bit more self-control. Just check these babies out, though!

Have a wonderful, inspiring (maybe even delicious?) weekend, folks!

The Painful Best

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be” —C.S. Lewis

Control. It's freaking hard. Most of the time I don't even realize when it's rearing it's ugly head. Most of the time I think I'm being a responsible adult and planning ahead and having my ducks in a row. But usually it all boils down to wanting to be in control of "my" life.

And then I get reminded. Reminded that it's not really my life after all. Because when it doesn't work, when there really is no way that I can be in control, I start to leak [check out this sweet post by a lovely lady about when your eyes leak]. I come apart at the seams and start to crumble. Honestly, you might even be able to call it a temper tantrum (I bet my mom would never believe that... ha!). 

Because when I'm reaching for control, I'm really just wanting things to go my way. I'm wanting things to be easy and smooth and not cause a lot of ripples. I want what I want. Mature, I know.

But thankfully I have a God who loves me too much to let me stay where I am, and a man who likes to partner with God in that daunting totally doable task. And honestly, I think God gets a little chuckle out of my tantrums when I can't control things. I think that every once in awhile He chooses to put things in my life that I have absolutely no control over so that I can be [once again] reminded who's really in control of this life I am living. So that I can be reminded to trust Him, the only one who knows what the future holds. 

And yeah, that future might be difficult and ripply, and even painful, but at least it will be for my best.
[Photo via Pinterest, design mine.]

Weight of Glory

Part of our job in EDGE Corps includes going through a curriculum, and one of the first things we were assigned was to read "The Weight of Glory" by C.S. Lewis. This guy pretty much blows my mind anytime I read anything by him, but with a title like that I knew this one was going to be extra explosive to my brain. 

And it was. But the part that really grabbed me, that wouldn't let go of its firm grasp, wasn't actually the main point. It was a small section a couple pages in, that spoke of nostalgia.

Lewis rips wide the secret that each of us has a deep desire for our own far-off country... "the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence." This secret yearning, it is so intense, that we "betray ourselves like lovers at the mention of a name" when any mention of this desire arises.

But Lewis goes on to explain that we have never actually experienced this in our reality, and that when we get "nostalgic" about certain moments in our past, we would not find the actual thing itself, but rather only the reminder of it:

"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust in them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things-- the beauty, the memory of our own past-- are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers."

This "thing itself," ultimately, is the desire for heaven in each of us, the desire for our proper place, our home. And when we get a glimpse, a tiny sliver of a reflection of this place, we become shy and awkward and desirous and worshippers. Our minds can barely wrap around it, so we belittle it to a memory. A moment. A smell. A tune. But it isn't really any of these that we long for, it is heaven. Eternity placed in our heart.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 

- Ecclesiastes 3:11

Sometimes I feel like God must have placed an extra scoop of eternity into my heart, the desire for it is so strong. I always used to consider myself as one of the most nostalgic people I know. Now I know that I'm just longing for my true home, and trying to label it something else, trying to make sense of it with my human mind. No more will I turn these nostalgic memories into "dumb idols" that will just break my heart. I will go to God with them, and acknowledge that I am longing for Him, and that He alone can satisfy my deep yearnings.

Weekend Wrap-Up

Happy Sunday! We hope you all had a wonderful [rainy] weekend! Here are some little tidbits to get you started off on your week! :)

[BTW, if you're in the EC area and didn't get a chance to splash around this last week, there will be opportunities for you this week it looks like!]

+ Check out this awesome and oh-so-easy recipe for a grilled chocolate banana melt! Yummm!

+ Here's a nifty little tip for you... how to not have to pay for a Redbox EVER again! [We're not sold on the  ever part, but these codes have definitely done their job for us in the past!]

+ As extroverts ourselves, we're always wanting to work on the way we relate to our lovely introverted friends. Here's a nice little graphic with 12 ways to care for an introvert. [Introverted readers out there... whaddya think?] :)

+ Enjoy this little quote:

"I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time- waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God- it changes me."

C.S. Lewis

+ And last, but certainly not least, click here for a FREE download of Jenny and Tyler's album, Faint Not. You just have to enter your e-mail and zip code, and they'll send it right to you. Fully legal and fully awesome! [Psst.... they accept tips as well!]

Get listening as tomorrow we'll be kicking off our first Music Monday! See you tomorrow!